We all have needs. Our good God created us with them, intending for us to live in community with each other, sharing our lives, and, within that framework, meeting and having our needs met. When we isolate ourselves, expecting one or two people to meet all our needs, we set ourselves up to become needy, thereby repelling the very outcome we desire to realize.
Let's take a look at having legitimate needs met vs. neediness by comparing the terms.
Need - something required or wanted; a necessity
Neediness - an excesssive amount of need often appearing as a clinginess due to ongoing, unmet needs and a narrow approach to having them met
If having needs is legitimate, how can we get them met in a way that doesn't turn to neediness and repell others from wanting to meet them?
First, realizing that God says in his Word, "My God shall supply ALL your needs according to his riches in glory, by Christ Jesus" is vital. We go to God in prayer and tell him our needs, pouring our hearts out before him, knowing he accepts us just as we are and fully understands what we need, better than we even know how to express it! Secondly, we realize that God uses others to meet our needs...but that no ONE person should be expected to meet them ALL and we are expected to do our part to get them met, as well.
I took an emotional index quiz and I highly recommend it for everyone. You can find a variety of them by googling. I took mine through lifecoach.com and my results show that I have 4 top needs. They are as follows:
1. The need to be loved/cherished.
2. The need to be heard.
3. The need for order.
4. The need for peace.
There was a 24 page series of questions I answered that helped define my top needs and I felt it was right on. Let me use myself as an example to give you a picture of someone with legitimate needs and how I have, at times, displayed both seeking to have my needs met and, on occasion, falling into the trap of neediness.
First, these are these very real and legitimate needs that I have. I need to be loved and cherised in a tangible way and, for me, equally as important (I had an = score on the top two), I need to know that I am HEARD. In other words I need communication and to know that what I communicate is valued, recognized and understood. On a slightly lesser level, I also need some order to my life and, in equal proportion, some peace, as they go hand in hand for me.
NOW then, if my circle is very small and I focus my attention on having my husband (name your person of focus....best friend, child, boyfriend) meet all of my needs, of which he is incapable of doing, I am going to be frustrated, disappointed and NEEDY becuase I will repel him and they will NOT be met.
Neediness is inherently repellant, my dear girlfriends. We KNOW this and we would all do well to ponder this for ourselves and see where we are on the subject. Think of a time when you have had someone in your life who was needy, clingy and drained the life from you with their unmet expectations; the vibe they put off with their lack of self-worth and the expectation that you would somehow empart that to them? How did it make you feel towards them? Do the words repel,opposed, rebuff, shy away from, resist come to mind? In other words, the very antithesis of attracting them to you to meet their needs? We've all had those situations, at some time in our lives and have likely been the needy participant, as well.
When this occurs, at first we might feel flattered and even desire to help but, when it becomes a repeated habit and is all about the other person, we begin trying to escape, hide and find ways to avoid these people. With this in mind, let us wake up and realize that if we find ourselves trying to have one person meet all our needs, this is what they are feeling! It is a self defeating act because the more needy we become, the less our needs are met and the more we repel those around us!
How then do we get our legitimate needs met and attract people to us in an attractive way? Let me refer back to my own top 4 needs.
I have a wonderful husband, a dearly loved mother, 3 great children, a host of friends and co-workers and within each of those relationships, I find a give and take in meeting mine and hopefully some of their needs through conversation of varying degrees and interests, gift giving and receiving, hugs and cards. In each encounter a small piece of the whole is met as it should be! I also have this need met through my writing as I express my thoughts.
When it comes to finding order and peace, I have to take responsiblity for creating "order" within my space and asking for help where needed. I need to do this at home, in my car and at work. This is a challenge for me but I'm much more productive and happier when things are in order! I'm pretty messy by nature but I have a NEED for order. That's because I have an attention deficit issue and when everything is misplaced or displaced, it creates a disheveled flavor to my life. I can't find things, run later than usual, and feel generally out of control! If I am feeling frustrated and not sure why, I can often look around me at my physical environment and find my answer! It's me that has to meet my own need! :)
I need some peace and quiet as well. I'm very sociable and don't need a lot but I do need some....every day. My husband is perfectly fine with the TV on in the background or the radio on in the truck at all times and can still focus on whatever he is doing, otherwise. Not so for me! Therfore, I've created "peaceful spaces" for myself out in our gym where I put my writing desk and in our bedroom if I need an escape. Sometimes he senses I am on "overload" and just shuts everything off and says "Let's take a walk." I have had to communicate to him my need for peace or quiet at times but it's up to me to find ways to integrate that into my life and I do.
So...food for thought - we all have needs. Do you find yourself working to have those needs met in a healthy way within your framework of relattionships or do you see yourself in a place of neediness where needs can never be realized? Acknowledging is always the best place to being making a change! I'd love to hear from you and how this is being worked out in your life or how we can pray together for healing in this area!
Still Climbing,
Cher
