We all have needs. Our good God created us with them, intending for us to live in community with each other, sharing our lives, and, within that framework, meeting and having our needs met. When we isolate ourselves, expecting one or two people to meet all our needs, we set ourselves up to become needy, thereby repelling the very outcome we desire to realize.
Let's take a look at having legitimate needs met vs. neediness by comparing the terms.
Need - something required or wanted; a necessity
Neediness - an excesssive amount of need often appearing as a clinginess due to ongoing, unmet needs and a narrow approach to having them met
If having needs is legitimate, how can we get them met in a way that doesn't turn to neediness and repell others from wanting to meet them?
First, realizing that God says in his Word, "My God shall supply ALL your needs according to his riches in glory, by Christ Jesus" is vital. We go to God in prayer and tell him our needs, pouring our hearts out before him, knowing he accepts us just as we are and fully understands what we need, better than we even know how to express it! Secondly, we realize that God uses others to meet our needs...but that no ONE person should be expected to meet them ALL and we are expected to do our part to get them met, as well.
I took an emotional index quiz and I highly recommend it for everyone. You can find a variety of them by googling. I took mine through lifecoach.com and my results show that I have 4 top needs. They are as follows:
1. The need to be loved/cherished.
2. The need to be heard.
3. The need for order.
4. The need for peace.
There was a 24 page series of questions I answered that helped define my top needs and I felt it was right on. Let me use myself as an example to give you a picture of someone with legitimate needs and how I have, at times, displayed both seeking to have my needs met and, on occasion, falling into the trap of neediness.
First, these are these very real and legitimate needs that I have. I need to be loved and cherised in a tangible way and, for me, equally as important (I had an = score on the top two), I need to know that I am HEARD. In other words I need communication and to know that what I communicate is valued, recognized and understood. On a slightly lesser level, I also need some order to my life and, in equal proportion, some peace, as they go hand in hand for me.
NOW then, if my circle is very small and I focus my attention on having my husband (name your person of focus....best friend, child, boyfriend) meet all of my needs, of which he is incapable of doing, I am going to be frustrated, disappointed and NEEDY becuase I will repel him and they will NOT be met.
Neediness is inherently repellant, my dear girlfriends. We KNOW this and we would all do well to ponder this for ourselves and see where we are on the subject. Think of a time when you have had someone in your life who was needy, clingy and drained the life from you with their unmet expectations; the vibe they put off with their lack of self-worth and the expectation that you would somehow empart that to them? How did it make you feel towards them? Do the words repel,opposed, rebuff, shy away from, resist come to mind? In other words, the very antithesis of attracting them to you to meet their needs? We've all had those situations, at some time in our lives and have likely been the needy participant, as well.
When this occurs, at first we might feel flattered and even desire to help but, when it becomes a repeated habit and is all about the other person, we begin trying to escape, hide and find ways to avoid these people. With this in mind, let us wake up and realize that if we find ourselves trying to have one person meet all our needs, this is what they are feeling! It is a self defeating act because the more needy we become, the less our needs are met and the more we repel those around us!
How then do we get our legitimate needs met and attract people to us in an attractive way? Let me refer back to my own top 4 needs.
I have a wonderful husband, a dearly loved mother, 3 great children, a host of friends and co-workers and within each of those relationships, I find a give and take in meeting mine and hopefully some of their needs through conversation of varying degrees and interests, gift giving and receiving, hugs and cards. In each encounter a small piece of the whole is met as it should be! I also have this need met through my writing as I express my thoughts.
When it comes to finding order and peace, I have to take responsiblity for creating "order" within my space and asking for help where needed. I need to do this at home, in my car and at work. This is a challenge for me but I'm much more productive and happier when things are in order! I'm pretty messy by nature but I have a NEED for order. That's because I have an attention deficit issue and when everything is misplaced or displaced, it creates a disheveled flavor to my life. I can't find things, run later than usual, and feel generally out of control! If I am feeling frustrated and not sure why, I can often look around me at my physical environment and find my answer! It's me that has to meet my own need! :)
I need some peace and quiet as well. I'm very sociable and don't need a lot but I do need some....every day. My husband is perfectly fine with the TV on in the background or the radio on in the truck at all times and can still focus on whatever he is doing, otherwise. Not so for me! Therfore, I've created "peaceful spaces" for myself out in our gym where I put my writing desk and in our bedroom if I need an escape. Sometimes he senses I am on "overload" and just shuts everything off and says "Let's take a walk." I have had to communicate to him my need for peace or quiet at times but it's up to me to find ways to integrate that into my life and I do.
So...food for thought - we all have needs. Do you find yourself working to have those needs met in a healthy way within your framework of relattionships or do you see yourself in a place of neediness where needs can never be realized? Acknowledging is always the best place to being making a change! I'd love to hear from you and how this is being worked out in your life or how we can pray together for healing in this area!
Still Climbing,
Cher
Thursday
Who You Are When No One's Looking
In re-reading a favorite book. Bill Hybel's Who You are When No One's Looking, I'm reminded of the value of developing the character traits of courage, discipline, vision endurance, tender love and more...these character qualities are presented in sharp contrast to focusing on building a reputation. As the great former coach, John Wooden put it,"Reputation is what people think you are. Character is what you really are." I'm so impressed by this little read that I've bought it for many others, including my young adult sons. Our world is sorely lacking in character and it's rebuilding begins with one and one and one more until a new generation catches the vision.
I've been allowing that thought to permeate my inmost being in recent weeks and I keep asking God, along with the Psalmist, to "Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me into life everlasting." I also think of the verse that says, "The heart of man is desperately wicked. Who can know it?" Do I know my heart tends to wickedness? And is wickedness only the worst kinds of thoughts such as sexual immorality, murder and hatred? Or... is it that my heart tends to stray from God left to its own devices without the Holy Spirit to "lead me in the way everlasting." It seems to me that the most wicked thing about my heart is that it so easily forgets God and my utter dependence on him for even my very breath. I turn quickly to the "weak and beggarly elements of this world" to satisfy what they never can and lean on my own faulty and limited understanding in my decision making and focus on building a "good reputation." The question I'm asking myself is "What does God think of me?" He knows my every thought and movitve. He knows what I do and who I am when no one else is looking. He sees right through the lies and longs to fill me with his very own Spirit and lead me into all truth where I can be free and at peace! Why do I resist it?
I'm reminded of the choice to exercise and eat a clean diet. If I prefer to be lazy and eat heavy, fattening, processed foods over expending a little energy for an hour or less per day exercising and eating natural foods that are good for my body, skin and overall health, why? What do I gain in the end? Disease, sickness, fatigue, a lesser quality of life? It's the same spiritually. If I choose to skip my time with God each day and to do whatever I feel like doing instead of practicing the godly character traits mentioned above, what do I gain? Foolish woman that I am so often! I think I'm in control, the master of my fate...well, I may be, in part, but at what price? As my husband often says, "How's that working for you?" :)
My dear girlfriends, I write this as one who is weak alongside you and asking for your prayers. Let's get on our knees and ask our good Father, "What is it you would have me do? I know you do all things well! Make me that woman of character, fill me with your Spirit and help me keep in step with your Spirit today and every day! I ask it in faith in the name of Jesus my Savior and Lord. Amen.
Still Climbing,
Cher
I've been allowing that thought to permeate my inmost being in recent weeks and I keep asking God, along with the Psalmist, to "Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me into life everlasting." I also think of the verse that says, "The heart of man is desperately wicked. Who can know it?" Do I know my heart tends to wickedness? And is wickedness only the worst kinds of thoughts such as sexual immorality, murder and hatred? Or... is it that my heart tends to stray from God left to its own devices without the Holy Spirit to "lead me in the way everlasting." It seems to me that the most wicked thing about my heart is that it so easily forgets God and my utter dependence on him for even my very breath. I turn quickly to the "weak and beggarly elements of this world" to satisfy what they never can and lean on my own faulty and limited understanding in my decision making and focus on building a "good reputation." The question I'm asking myself is "What does God think of me?" He knows my every thought and movitve. He knows what I do and who I am when no one else is looking. He sees right through the lies and longs to fill me with his very own Spirit and lead me into all truth where I can be free and at peace! Why do I resist it?
I'm reminded of the choice to exercise and eat a clean diet. If I prefer to be lazy and eat heavy, fattening, processed foods over expending a little energy for an hour or less per day exercising and eating natural foods that are good for my body, skin and overall health, why? What do I gain in the end? Disease, sickness, fatigue, a lesser quality of life? It's the same spiritually. If I choose to skip my time with God each day and to do whatever I feel like doing instead of practicing the godly character traits mentioned above, what do I gain? Foolish woman that I am so often! I think I'm in control, the master of my fate...well, I may be, in part, but at what price? As my husband often says, "How's that working for you?" :)
My dear girlfriends, I write this as one who is weak alongside you and asking for your prayers. Let's get on our knees and ask our good Father, "What is it you would have me do? I know you do all things well! Make me that woman of character, fill me with your Spirit and help me keep in step with your Spirit today and every day! I ask it in faith in the name of Jesus my Savior and Lord. Amen.
Still Climbing,
Cher
Wednesday
Passionate Living With Purpose - it's URGENT!
Girlfriends!! Sometimes I marvel that I am 47.....47! Almost 1/2 a century - whoa!
Girlfriends this is urgent! I realize more each day how little attention I paid to time and purpose when I was younger. It seems urgent to me now to daily recognize that each 24 hour period can never be recovered to be lived over again! What is there to do but live this day, this time, my "right now" with passion and purpose!? It's essential! I am an admitted dreamer and think BIG when it comes to squeezing all I can out of a day and striving to make a difference somewhere along the way and while I struggle with being tired by early evening, due to my 4:30 a.m. start with a fat-blasting work-out and a 70 mile round-trip commute to work, as well as the various stresses of concern for my kids, friends, job responsibilities, etc. that we all carry to one degree or another, I can never apologize for striving to seize the day! It is my passion and privelege to squeeze all I can out of this life I've so graciously been given to return back to my Creator!
What is your passion coming into 2012? More importantly, how are you going to embark upon fulfilling it? Unlike many, I LOVE the opportunity to make New Year's Resolutions! It's simply a lifestyle continuum for me to set goals and measurements to reach them. I don't always manage to do so - I was going to have my book written last year and now it has been moved ahead to this year but I try not to be TOO hard on myself as I got married, worked through a few set-backs, family needs and some big and wonderful changes in my career that took a lot of focus...so onward I go to reach that goal with a little delay on completion time. BUT my point here is that I do set goals and I hope you do, as well. One thing is for sure. If we don't set a goal, we won't reach it!
In living with passion and purpose and thinking of goal setting, ask yourself a few questions. What do I care about? What are my priorities? What relationships need my attention or need to be modified? How is my spiritual life? What kind of physical condition am I in and does it need improvement? As you walk through these questions, you will find your goals coming into view and can begin to work on measurements or ways to reach them. Be sure they are a stretch from where you are now but not out of reach! Be bold and take risks but remember to be reasonable with yourself!
Let me know how it's going. By week's end I will have had 3 lunches this week where I was asked for some encouragement and help with motivation for the new year. This is what I love and am passionate about. It's wonderful to set our goals and even better to bring some others along on the journey! After all, I have had some wonderful mentors go out of their way to help me reach my goals so it's only right to give back!
Have a great week and if you are struggling to find your passion and set your goals, get in a place of prayer and ask God to reveal his start-up plan for you. Believe he has direction - I promise He DOES! He is more than interested in accomplishing his purpose in a willing vessel!
Blessings!
Still Climbing,
Cher
Girlfriends this is urgent! I realize more each day how little attention I paid to time and purpose when I was younger. It seems urgent to me now to daily recognize that each 24 hour period can never be recovered to be lived over again! What is there to do but live this day, this time, my "right now" with passion and purpose!? It's essential! I am an admitted dreamer and think BIG when it comes to squeezing all I can out of a day and striving to make a difference somewhere along the way and while I struggle with being tired by early evening, due to my 4:30 a.m. start with a fat-blasting work-out and a 70 mile round-trip commute to work, as well as the various stresses of concern for my kids, friends, job responsibilities, etc. that we all carry to one degree or another, I can never apologize for striving to seize the day! It is my passion and privelege to squeeze all I can out of this life I've so graciously been given to return back to my Creator!
What is your passion coming into 2012? More importantly, how are you going to embark upon fulfilling it? Unlike many, I LOVE the opportunity to make New Year's Resolutions! It's simply a lifestyle continuum for me to set goals and measurements to reach them. I don't always manage to do so - I was going to have my book written last year and now it has been moved ahead to this year but I try not to be TOO hard on myself as I got married, worked through a few set-backs, family needs and some big and wonderful changes in my career that took a lot of focus...so onward I go to reach that goal with a little delay on completion time. BUT my point here is that I do set goals and I hope you do, as well. One thing is for sure. If we don't set a goal, we won't reach it!
In living with passion and purpose and thinking of goal setting, ask yourself a few questions. What do I care about? What are my priorities? What relationships need my attention or need to be modified? How is my spiritual life? What kind of physical condition am I in and does it need improvement? As you walk through these questions, you will find your goals coming into view and can begin to work on measurements or ways to reach them. Be sure they are a stretch from where you are now but not out of reach! Be bold and take risks but remember to be reasonable with yourself!
Let me know how it's going. By week's end I will have had 3 lunches this week where I was asked for some encouragement and help with motivation for the new year. This is what I love and am passionate about. It's wonderful to set our goals and even better to bring some others along on the journey! After all, I have had some wonderful mentors go out of their way to help me reach my goals so it's only right to give back!
Have a great week and if you are struggling to find your passion and set your goals, get in a place of prayer and ask God to reveal his start-up plan for you. Believe he has direction - I promise He DOES! He is more than interested in accomplishing his purpose in a willing vessel!
Blessings!
Still Climbing,
Cher
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