...As I went that evening to Outback Steakhouse for some dinner, I sat near but not in the bar area. I had a notepad and pen and was writing down thoughts, pros/cons, questions and answers all related to my decision of whether or not to leave the church. I ordered a steak and just sat observing people and trying to understand how this would feel to be part of "regular society" again. I watched a couple at the bar, in particular, as they were sharing wine, talking and laughing. I noticed as the evening wore on and after several more drinks, the couple wasn't so fun to watch anymore as they were both more than tipsy. You know how it is when you are not drinking and you are with people who have had too much? :) I knew as I watched that scene that, although I was leaning into the decision to leave the church, I was not drawn to that lifestyle. I wanted to continue to walk with God and to live a "clean" life, as I was accustomed to doing, but with the freedom to do so independently of a strictly planned lifestyle that offered little opportunity for variation or the individual expression of talents and choices.
I finished my dinner and went back to the hotel with mixed emotions and thoughts. There is much to be written about this time in my life as you can imagine in making such a huge transition...relationships were affected, huge adjustments were and still are experienced, the lasting scars from the wounds of being expelled and considered a lost soul who has turned their back on "the truth" and the process of healing over time, with God's grace and the loving support of family and friends...I will further expand in my book but for my blogging with humor purpose here, I will move to the time of my actual departure from the church.
Back home, once my decision was made, I faxed a letter to the 4 ministers and 2 deacons describing my intention. As a point of interest, that is the communication Mennonites most often utilize en mass since they normally don't have computers in the home and, if they do, they likely don't have the ineternet unless strictly for business purposes and then it is heavily filtered against unwholesome content access.
I told my boss and co-workers at the fish plant that I would be leaving my position as Health & Safety Coordinator and front office girl as I knew I could not work there being expelled which would come soon enough. I had been offered a job by the attorney who had handled my divorce. BTW, I did not file for divorce as that constitutes a law-suit and is forbidden by the Mennonite church so my husband filed and I simply responded. I left the 18 year marriage with nothing but some furniture, 1/2 of the proceeds of the sale of our house and 1/2 of our debt, which took care of the small amount of money I received.
I walked into the attorney's office to talk with my lawyer and formally accept the job offer and the young woman at the front didn't even recognize me. She is now one of my dearest friends and helped create both my blog and website! I had been in the office a number of times during the divorce process and had taken cookies, a plant and a thank you for all the assistance in getting through it while I was still a member of the church. I told her who I was and she was like, "What?! Wow!" She proceeded to the back telling everyone that I was there and he wasn't going to believe it! lol He and I had discussed my decision so he was expecting me. When she took me into his office, he said, "Come in here my little Mennonite girl." Everyone in the office gasped when I walked in the door in a suit and decidedly non-Mennonite. It carries some humor, as I recollect but was a very stressful time for me. It's good I can recall it with a smile some 9 years later and many similar incidents where people in town recognized me. Running into my Mennonite friends was a different experience as they would look at me and cry and ask me to come back to the Lord and the church...they didn't believe I could be a Christian outside the church.
The judge in town and his wife, from whom I rented my house in the country, took me under their wing and "re-introduced" me in town. I began my new job and a little later, when I discovered the 2005 Mustang had come out and was retro designed to be very similar to the old 1960's series, of which I had learned to drive with my dad on a '69 Mach I with a stick, I decided I must have one. My dad had recently passed away, suddenly, and I missed him, terribly! I had been driving "plain" vehicles with (white, silver, black - or other non-attention drawing colors for Mennonites) for some time and was ready to have a little flash and splash in my life again! I bought a white mustang and, while I was at the dealership, noticed a Shelby on the front of a Car & Driver magazine there that was red with white racing stripes.....I decided, with little thought as to how FLASHY it would truly be, to have red racing stripes put on it. When it came back a few days later for me to pick up, I was shocked as I realized what a statement it was and that there would be no going incognito in it! I lived in a town of 5,000 people and was pretty well recognized by everyone, before, as the girl who had come to the Mennonite world, was on the front page of the Religion section in the Little Rock Democrat Gazette and worked at the fish plant and now as "that little ex-Mennonite girl" so this was a pretty bold move, even though I really didn't see it that way at the time. I can only imagine how my dear Mennonite friends thought I had lost it and I do mean lost it as in my salvation. I don't say this lightly to be coy, just to give you a picture of the situation and, as I've said, see a little humor in a very tough place in my life. But I felt free to actually be authentically ME again. Since I was a toddler, my mom will tell you, I loved glitter, glamour and bright colors~ and now I loved "my pony!" I really enjoyed that car until I wrecked it 2 years ago on my way to work one morning. It has a special place in my heart as it represented thoughts of my dad, my childhood, the expression of who I am and the early days of my integration back into the societal norm.
To see a picture of me and my stang, check out my FB photos. I now drive an Infinity but it still has a sports package on it.:)
Hope you are finding humor in some of your past dark places. The Bible says, "Laughter does good like a medicine" and I've found that to be very true.
Everyone have an awesome Labor Day weekend and remember to have a positive effect on someone in your world, today, with a smile, a hug and some encouragement that there is grace, hope and help in the tender mercies of our heavenly Father.
Still Climbing,
Cher
No comments:
Post a Comment