My Darkest Day

Web friends, I ask for your patience and your prayers as I open my heart, today.

It takes an extra measure of God's grace for me to recall one of the most painful times in my life. For many years, I could not speak about or even think about this dark time without struggling to breathe and sobbing, uncontrollably. I am not one prone to such displays so it was very difficult to accept my involuntary response to the pain.

Seven years have passed and I can now share - sometimes my breathing still becomes labored and my eyes fill as the painful memories are brought to the surface, but time and grace have brought a measure of healing and relief for which I'm very grateful! I'm sure you are wondering WHY? Why would I want to expose painful and personal happenings in my life for all the world to see? Good question! :-) There is one reason. Healing. For my family, myself and those of you whose personal pain may be paralyzing you. I want to share so that you may know there is HOPE and even JOY available to you, by grace, even through the stormiest seas. Our God, who offered himself up for us all, understands and is touched by our pain - he waits for us to come to him with our deep hurts and find rest for our souls. This, I believe!

There is much left out here for the sake of brevity - watch for my book to be published later this year for a more detailed description....Don't Waste Your Hurricane - My Journey To PEIS.

After the divorce from my husband of 18 years and choosing to remain with the Mennonite church with my 3 boys who were then 17, 13 and 11, I got a job and did my best, with much help from these wonderfully kind people, to maintain a nurturing home for my family. We had become very much a part of the Mennonite faith and lifestyle and we continued on. Over the next two years, their father, who had moved from Arkansas back to Houston (our native city), remarried and bought a large, beautiful home with all the "worldly" amenities we had lived without for some time, began to fly the boys out to visit him. At first the boys would not go visit and clung to me and the sheltered lifestyle they knew, with the exception of my 15 year old who was well settled, a member of the church and was not interested in visiting. As my two younger boys began to go for repeated visits, they were naturally drawn to the lifestyle their dad was now involved in and offering to them. They each had their own room equipped with a TV and computer and when they visited, he bought them name brand clothing and took them on vacations and to movies. It isn't hard to imagine that by the time they were 15 and 13, they were enjoying these amenities very much and it became harder for them to adjust when they came home to "Little House on the Prairie."

My 13 year old began to act out and show his independent spirit :) and told me that he did not mean to be disrespectful but that I really could not tell him what to do anymore....the dye was caste and soon it was time for another visit with their dad. When they should have been preparing to return home, I received a call from my youngest. He said in a very sure and assertive voice, "Mom, I've decided to stay here and live with Dad. He says it's going to be like Astroworld!" He went on to talk about all the things they going to do. While my heart was breaking and my mind whirling, I managed to ask him, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" This is when I discovered his dad on the other line as he warned me not to try and change his mind. I am not sure what else was said but I told him I loved him and hung up.

Now I know in divorce situations, children have the ability to choose with whom they want to live and it may not seem so very terrible. However, in this case, there was much more involved than a simple move down the street. This would mean a move to Houston and would create both a physical and relational separation as he adopted a "worldly" lifestyle and came under his dad's control. I knew both he and his father and the issues that I feared would bring many heartaches to come. I felt completely helpless.

Numb, I walked back to the bedroom he shared with his brother and picked up his baseball cap from his bedside. My baby boy! My beautiful (yes, boys can be beautiful - mine are!) smart, fun-loving, impulsive boy, full of "spit and vinegar" and SO much personality in one body...my legs gave way and I buckled to the floor in a heap with a feeling I can't describe, other than abject grief beyond anything else I had ever experienced (some of you know just what I'm talking about) though there would be many opportunities over the next several years for the experience of grief to become a familiar way of life. I cried and felt myself sinking into a dark place in prayer and tears. As I lay there, I heard a voice, not audible but every bit as clear, say to me, "Cherrie, do you want to give yourself to this?" I instantly knew this was a critical question and I could feel the pull to just follow that spiraling staircase down into the darkness that was enveloping me and never come back.

GRACE. It IS amazing. I found myself reaching deep within and, at the same time, reaching up and I managed to whisper the faintest "no" into the ears of a loving God. I knew I had to get up immediately or I would not get up at all. This is no exaggeration but my experience, as it was.

That happened 7 long years and many ensuing hurts ago, and yet, as I recall it, the hurt is as fresh as the day it happened.

What about your darkest day? Have you faced deep pain and heartache or has life been smooth sailing so far? We each have our own crosses to bear as we travel this road and also what I refer to as assigned blessings! :-D I believe, when Jesus says, "My grace is sufficient for YOU for my strength is made perfect in (your) weakness," he meant that his grace is sufficient for ME to carry the cross I must bear, not the grace needed to carry your cross. We have all said, "Oh, I could never take...." and we can't! We are given the measure of grace needed in the hour of our trial, not before but right on time. I have found God's grace IS sufficient if I avail myself of it. Too often, I've spent wasted time trying to pull myself up "by my bootstraps" trying to manufacture my own grace! MISTAKE! My part is the willingness to say, "Yes, Lord, I choose to LIVE. Give me grace!" The Grace part of the equation is God's specialty and is a gift, freely given, as requested. Run to him for an extra measure of grace, today - his supply never runs low and he will give you just what you need.

More to come, friends. I'm spent.

Still Climbing,
Cher